Look at this. It isn't even 10 o'clock yet, and I'm done with my work. Done. Not just done, but
done with all my reading all the way up to Spring Break. It's both an amazing and a what-do-I-do-with-myself-now? kind of feeling. Oh, I know! Write my Torrey paper. But I'll wait until tomorrow for that. I was laying in bed tonight trying to figure out the feeling that summer evenings give me, and I was struck with the remembrance of a feeling that I haven't felt in ever so long: the feeling of having nothing to do. I'd almost forgotten such a thing existed, and yet when I watch the sun setting so much later, I am recalled back to long summer nights of being able to choose what I wanted to do...Sometimes I'm overpowered by these incredibly vivid feelings--I think it's weird because I don't know if other people really have it--but this whole Daylight Savings time thing has impacted me like crazy. It's like someone flipped a switched and I automatically feel like it's summer and I should be going home. Now. I've been filled with this longing to just be done here and go home, and I have to keep reminding myself, "Now wait a second, you have two more months of school left..." But it is winding down. We only have three more Torrey sessions left before Spring Break, and after Spring Break we read
City of God and then it's time for the Bible! (Yay!) Anyway, I miss my home. I love the way our house feels with the air conditioner running and that deliciously safe and exciting feeling of curling up to watch a movie inside while twilight falls and the street lights come on one by one outside. I miss those nights when Daddy would make us all popcorn and we would be so excited to watch
Peter Pan and
The Absent-Minded Professor. It's a weird and wonderful feeling to know that I'll be going home to all that soon, and yet to know that I am probably closer to creating that for my own future family than to be a little girl sitting in Daddy's lap. Mom emailed me today and told me I got invited to a baby shower for Jacki Rice. She was like, "Isn't it weird that you're getting invited to baby showers for girls your own age?!" Very. I just had this crazy thought of my mom as a grandma and it really made me smile. :)
Today was monumental. I was late to class because I didn't realize Teri still had my ID card until I walked out of Hart, so I had to call her and ask her where it was, and she said she put it on my desk so I had to go all the way back, and then it wasn't on my desk, and I opened up my wallet and realized that I'd had it with me the whole time! I just can't seem to get this ID card thing right. And I love that I'm so busy talking about MySpace drama with Mom that I am even more late for class. I just can't help but laugh at us, "What?! He wants to be in your Top 8?! Oh my gosh!" Professor Lyle Smith is so amazing, and I almost died over this comment:
"Oh yeah! He's been studying brown Dolores, hasn't he?!" Brown Dolores just makes me smile.
Well, let's see...There were no waffles at breakfast this morning, and I almost had a heart attack. I wish I could've seen the look of disbelieving horror on my face when I realized the waffle makers weren't sitting out in their ususal place. I went a little hysterical and probably scared the poor Cafe lady by asking so violently where the waffle-makers were. She just kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Oh well. She said they'd be back by Wednesday. I can only hope. If they take those waffle-makers away from the Cafe I don't know what I'll do--but it won't be pretty. Oh I know.
"The smiles will stop."Last night, when Teri, Jac, and I were roaming around Hart trying to find a place to watch our movie, we ran into Autumn's whole family visiting with her in the lobby! I cannot even express how much it warms my heart to see my friends' families visiting them--and just to be reminded that there
are families, and homes, and parents, and siblings. Autumn's mom asked me if I need a "mom hug" and I said an emphatic "Yes!" and she gave me the biggest hug. And then her dad was being very fatherly and stressing that none of us should date or get married until we are very, very, old. :P He kept saying to "take plenty of time...." It was absolutely adorable, and it made me think of my dad--who, I think, is still in denial about me ever getting married. :)
After that the three of us stayed up til almost two in the morning watching
Amelie and I probably shouldn't have been so careless about sleep on a school night, but it was so much fun to all be curled up on Teri's bed in our dark little room watching the movie together--and oh my gosh! It was such a good movie. It made me want to get on MySpace and add it to my list of favorite movies...that's how good it was. :) No really, I loved it, and I've never wanted to have brown eyes so badly in my life. Hers were simply gorgeous.
Before Chapel this morning Lauren and I headed over to Sutherland and went over our presentation and then we decided where to live next year. Whew! I'm glad that decision is made. :) "Secret housing..." We had a little experiment with putting the word 'secret' in front of everything, and it was really quite funny until Kauffy said, "secret carpet" and it really didn't seem so funny anymore. Perhaps we should've said, "secret limping" --but I'll get to that in a minute.
LEE STROBEL WAS IN CHAPEL TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, okay, it's really not that exciting. I know that. But I have to admit I have this strange, enjoyable quirk of acting really excited about things that aren't really that big of a deal. I dunno, it makes life more fun, and it amuses me greatly. I laughed uncontrollably over Buenas Dias = What's a deist? It was really too funny.
And then it was presentation time!! But only after Dr. Malandra surprised us with a pop quiz! Geez! I wish I had actually read the story that I was giving a presentation on! ;) But I think I did fine after all the reviewing with Lauren, and I read it just last year for AP Lit.
Then it was really presentation time, and the highlight of my day was breaking everyone into groups and forcing them to come up with theories about how William Faulker got his limp. Lauren coined the phrase "Mysterious Limp Theory" and I thought that was pretty ingenius.
1. An encounter with an incredibly large, bovine woman.
2. Falling out of his bunk bed.
3. He faked it to get out of service, or he made it up to seem more mysterious, or he had gangrene.
4. He obviously had an encounter with a wild animal like a chimpanzee or a baboon (in Mississippi!).
5. He had his ankle and tibia smashed by a croquet mallet.
That brought me no end of happiness. I'm glad everyone went along with it so well.
I realized in class today that I am terribly fidgety. I can't sit still! I think I drive Andrew crazy by always fidgeting around and bumping into him and kicking him...Oh dear, I'm sorry.
Oh my gosh! It was so exciting in the Cafe tonight! It was "Kid's Meal" and they had all kinds of ridiculously good food! Chocolate chip cookies, and curly chili cheese fries, and chicken tender sandwiches, and pineapple pizza, and sphaghetti and meatballs, and ALPHABET SOUP!!!! And I ate ALL of it! ...Not really, but I wish I could've. You see, the Cafe is just silly. Why do they have SO MUCH good food on one night of the month and all the other nights there is absolutely NOTHING appetizing to eat? You'd think they could spread it out a little...or something...but what are you gonna do?
When I walked into my hall tonight I could see the door to our room was open and I knew something was different--Teri rearranged the room! Well, mostly just her stuff, but it gives the room a totally different dynamic! And she didn't just rearrange it, but she vacuumed the floor and cleaned everything and Jaclynn dusted everything and our room looks simply gorgeous! I can't even believe how much of a difference it makes just to have a clean room. When I have my own house someday, I am really going to make the effort to try and keep it clean because I really believe there is something good for the soul in having things clean and beautiful once in awhile. (I also think there is something divinely comforting in cozy clutter, so it should be an interesting balance.) I decided to take a short nap tonight and ended up sleeping for two hours! What! Silly Carolyn! Taking naps at night! Summer laziness must be hitting me. When I finally woke up at 8:30 I just sat in bed staring absently and confusedly at the wall for awhile. Jaclynn laughed at me. ...Because I'm "so cute" she said.
Something happened today that made me feel extremely vulnerable--and those moments of severe vulnerability leave me shaken up for the rest of the day. I always wonder how much the other person can see. I often feel like in those moments my soul is written in my eyes and I just want to duck my head and say, "Don't look at me, don't look at me!" But it's okay. This brief little moment really influenced my thoughts for the rest of the day, and somehow prompted me to review all the things I've been learning about human relationships in the past two years.
One thing I've noticed is that I feel like I respond to things on two different levels. Lauren asked me how I was doing as we were walking together today, and I started telling her about things that are confusing me or bothering me, but even as I was speaking I knew it wasn't right. These things aren't really bothering me. They're not eating me up inside. I'm not losing sleep over them. The truth is that on the surface they might annoy or confuse or trouble me, but they don't really both me on that inner level of peace. There is a much deeper level that knows my rest and safety and well being are in the Lord, and that I really am okay. There is nothing to worry about and I am happy. It's just a blessing to realize that I can rest in that, and to see that everything else fades away in comparison.
I almost can't help but laugh at noticing this in myself because it's such a stark contrast from how I used to be. Looking back I can now see that so many of my relational problems resulted from my simple act of making mountains out of molehills and blowing things so grossly out of proportion. Still, I think it's only with time and maturity that we can slowly learn what to really be upset over and what to rationally assess and let go of. From whatever experience I can say I've had, I've come to believe that the most important factor in maintaining healthy and happy relationships on a day to day basis is just to be laid back...relaxed...comfortable...To be able to take things as they come, and to live with the freedom and wisdom of knowing that there will be wrinkles and tears in the fabric of our lives, but we don't have to freak out over it. I guess it's important to simply accept the fact that there will be disagreements and misunderstandings, but by being prepared for those and acknowledging their undeniable existence, we've already won half the battle. I used to think that I should always feel perfectly happy with other people. I had to learn to accept "off days" without letting them tear me up inside. The most wonderful people to be around are the people who just let you be--the people who have come to embrace the way life comes, and people's differences and quirks--and to not get all bent out of shape about it. I think this freedom comes from the understanding that our relationships are not governed by the day to day in's and out's of life, but by a love that transcends all of that--a love that is deep, and permanent, and intrisically understood--and is strong enough to not crumble under the sometimes harsh elements of every day life.
And I think
that love can only come from letting go of my expectations that other people will always make me happy and embracing the reality that all my joy and security are found in God. Somehow the annoying little things of the day don't seem to matter very much in the face of God's overwhelming love and goodness. Yet when I say all this, I have to be careful to remind myself not to confuse contentment with apathy. It is so easy and tempting to feel myself becoming vulnerable and sort of steel my heart against any pain and say, "Well, I don't care...I've got God, and that's all that matters." That's not the attitude we're supposed to have. I think resting contentedly in God means that we can acknowledge that we care, and that things will hurt us...but there's a peace in knowing our lives won't collapse no matter what happens. God doesn't give us a life in which nothing will ever hurt us, but He gives us the assurance of knowing that whatever happens, whatever hurts come our way, we have the strength and love to endure it 'not somehow, but triumphantly!'
Lastly, St. Augustine. What a wonderful hero of the faith, and yet he's got some questionable opinions. His view of sex is wrong--at least, to be imposed universally, and in the last few pages of
On Christian Teaching he sort of goes on this rant about how wearing make-up is worse than committing adultery. :-/ Anyway, all that aside, I think all his talk about celibacy has been helpful in at least prompting me to think about celibacy, and what I've found is pretty surprising. All growing up I always clung to the idea that I would get married and I pretty much thought that not getting married would be the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. I always felt that I would be devastated if I was one of those people called to celibacy...but upon evaluating it recently, I realize that if God wants me to be celibate, I can do that. I never before could understand that God was enough for me, but He is. Whan an amazing freedom He has called us to--As I realize that I do not need a husband to complete me, but "all of You is more than enough for all of me." It all sounds wonderful in theory, but until I actually experienced God being enough for me...I just couldn't understand it. I've prayed about the matter frequently for the past couple of years--usually my prayers were, "Lord, I'll be celibate if you ask me to...but please don't ask me to!" Coming to college and just growing so much more into my own person, I've realized that I really could be happy on my own. Sometimes I feel really drawn to the idea of just being me for the rest of my life, but I have to admit I think that's selfish. I honestly think that I will get married. That seems to be what God is showing me over and over...I kind of get the sense that He is preparing me to be a wife and a mother, and I think in a lot of ways that will be a lot harder than being single. Still, I don't think that's all He's called me to, and I also don't know how long He will allow me to be single. Maybe for a long time. You know, it doesn't even matter--all that matters is that I am His. That I offer myself up to Him and say, "Grant what you command, and command what you will."
I trust Him when he says that He will never leave me or forsake me. There is unfathomable peace found in Christ.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."And now I would like to end with the announcement that we have discovered the official roles of men and women:
Men are for plumbing, women are for finding out secrets. :)
"Cody looks like a fetus!" --Karissa Sywulka
